it's funny how i keep speaking through this blog, telling myself that i should fill it with more happy memories, but the only times that seem to provoke the writing juices are times when things might not be going so well, leaving you in a train of deep thoughts. when there are happy moments, you're too busy relishing the adrenaline of happy feelings, vying for them to continue on...
if only life can be filled with carefree happiness, with no troubles or worries, but then again it wouldn't be called life then. simply stated, it's a roller coaster, and there's no escape from it.
i remember a time when i had that feeling where i was just so tired of everything. i kept thinking what's the point when in the end no one makes it out alive anyways? it's a tough battle to fight when no matter how hard you try and try and try, all your efforts amount to nothing and on top of that, things just get worse instead of better.
this was more or less a year to two years ago. and things have gone on to somewhat better states. however, i can feel things slipping again. what else can you wait for when after a long fought battle has taken such a tremendous toll on you that you have no choice but to surrender, and you do. what is there to hold on to when you have decided to let everything out of your control.
it's so unfair. it's not that i haven't tried.
trying to open up my heart, but there's always a constant haunting of my past.
trying to keep things together, when it's only slowly starting to fall apart silently.
trying to be the last friend, when rebelliousness takes over.
trying to find a drive, but always feeling lost and apprehensiveness.
trying to be better, but only lying to myself.
scared for the surrender.
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