no escape

whatever has happened to this blog...

it's funny how i keep speaking through this blog, telling myself that i should fill it with more happy memories, but the only times that seem to provoke the writing juices are times when things might not be going so well, leaving you in a train of deep thoughts. when there are happy moments, you're too busy relishing the adrenaline of happy feelings, vying for them to continue on...

if only life can be filled with carefree happiness, with no troubles or worries, but then again it wouldn't be called life then. simply stated, it's a roller coaster, and there's no escape from it.

i remember a time when i had that feeling where i was just so tired of everything. i kept thinking what's the point when in the end no one makes it out alive anyways? it's a tough battle to fight when no matter how hard you try and try and try, all your efforts amount to nothing and on top of that, things just get worse instead of better.

this was more or less a year to two years ago. and things have gone on to somewhat better states. however, i can feel things slipping again. what else can you wait for when after a long fought battle has taken such a tremendous toll on you that you have no choice but to surrender, and you do. what is there to hold on to when you have decided to let everything out of your control.

it's so unfair. it's not that i haven't tried.

trying to open up my heart, but there's always a constant haunting of my past.

trying to keep things together, when it's only slowly starting to fall apart silently.

trying to be the last friend, when rebelliousness takes over.

trying to find a drive, but always feeling lost and apprehensiveness.

trying to be better, but only lying to myself.

scared for the surrender.

constantly hoping for one more day...

who new that another round of big decisions was gonna come along? making a big investment...how we shuld go about keeping a loved one alive...

ive learned that there's no such a thing as a brk in life. u can choose not to face ur probs. u can choose to stay in bed n just hide. but no matter wat u choose, life will still go on. it's not gonna stop n wait for u to b ready to take it on again. n that's wat makes it hard. u have to keep trying no matter how much u hate it.

there's always a limit to evrything. especially time...

n how much can u take before it becomes too much?

am i selfish for asking for more time? r u really going to take him away frm me wen he's been w/ me since i was a child? wen i had always seen the day wen he was going to b @ my college graduation? wen i hope to one day be able to take care of him in return for all the love n care he's given to me?

 for now, we can only take it day by day...

today

2 years ago, on this exact day, sumthing happened that changed my life.

1 year ago, on this exact day, i was the happiest girl in the world.

now, on this exact day, evrything is taken frm me again...

this date will always have a special place in my heart n it will never be forgotten.

last wk i got 2 c sum of my dearest friends again. up until that day, it did feel a lil like we were distanced but at the same time, things were ok b/c it felt like no matter wat, i new i wuld always have them. but actually getting to c them last wk felt so good. it made me remember how good it felt to just b w/ ppl i've grown up with. evrything just seemed so ez. i was a lil scared wen i sensed sum tension going on. were all close friends n i hope that nothing will ever brk that. hopefully wen we have our own apt nxt yr, things mite get better=] n reading anh's blogs lately, ive come to realize that w/ evry post of hers that i read, i find that i can relate to each of them in sum way. i guess its the fact that shes able to say wat im afraid to say or dunno how to say..

anywho, i cant believe its march already. where has this skool yr gone. this quarter has gone by a lot faster than i thot it wuld. i guess mayb its cuz im much more focused this quarter n that i have to do good my part b/c of all thats happened lately. @ the same time im worried about keeping up with this pace, college is gonna breeze by before we no it. 

we just have to keep hoping that evrything is gonna turn out ok...

i just...

...don't wanna let it go...

all at once.

i feel so many things all jumbled in 1 rite now. both the good and the bad. for the past wk ive been wrrying a lot about my asa midterm grade cuz the instructor is new n her grading system is very very VERY hard. but today i found out that i did pretty good on it=] so thats one thing i got off my chest. however, i just learned sumting this past wkend that culd probably change things frm the way they r rite now. probably for the worse. iono. this incident adds more pressure to me to have to do good n wrk harder. i cant falter. n once again im bak to having to b strong. is there netime for me 2 brk down n wish that problems will eventually solve themselves? things just keep coming up one after another. its times like these wen i start to wonder y things have to b this rough n y we constantly have to stress n wrry about all these problems that keep coming up, wen in the end, none of us is gonna get out of all this alive neway? just a thot...

huh.

sumthing peculiar happened the other day.
call it fate or call it a coincidence.
it just so happens that on a certain day, at the exact same time, at the exact same place...2 ppl...sumthing totally uncalled for.
is there ne meaning in it?
mayb im overthinking it...but theres always that mayb, that unwavering glimmer of hope that keeps 1 going...

in the meanwhile...bak to calc hw ><

Now

it's been a long while since i've posted. i think it's about time to jot down sum thots. 

many things have changed ever since college started. we're not those lil carefree kids nemore. it seems as if evrything we're involved w/ now comes w/ responsibilities. evrything is ur call. ur the 1 picking ur path in life. its time to think about who u wanna become and wat u want out of life. however, it seems as if im always stuck in the the iono stage. ive found that ive become a lot quieter than before. iono if that shuld b a good thing or not. it seems like i feel like that sumthing in me has changed but i cant put a finger to it. thots constantly go thru my mind. im suddenly scared. ive noticed that w/ evrything i do, i have this fear. a fear of putting a step forward. ever since june of 2008, ive found that ive grown a lot closer to my family, especially my sister. no matter wat i do, i want to give them the best. n piggybaking on anh, i also feel that i havent made an effort of keeping up w/ friends. for sum reason i feel like our grp will always b there for each other. whether thats just for now or yrs down the road, i hope that feeling never goes away. we've all been thru too much 2gether. hopefully, distance wun pull evrything apart. iono, this whole blog is a whole jumble of thots. its not meant to b one flowy blog of things that make sense. i just felt like so much has been going on in my head that mayb i shuld write it out. the real world is intimidating...