don't understand

when will things get better? n wen they do, how long will things stay better? cuz lately, it just seems like even if things do get better, its only momentarily. i feel like im trying my best to take things one day at a time, but i still feel like im stuck in the same spot. ive taken test after test n sum i admit its the grade that i deserve. but once ive gotten used to things n started to take things really seriously, i did even worse than i did before. how can this be? n y is this happening only to me? sumtimes i just feel so tired...tired of having to try w/o it going newhere. it just makes me think, what's the point if its gonna turn out worse than wen i hadnt really tried? its just been a downward spiral, n rite now, it seems neverending. i keep trying to push myself out of the spiral only to find myself falling even deeper. n is there even such a thing called fairness in this world nemore? i hate being negative, but sumtimes it just feels like theres so much u can do...n wen uve tried ur hardest w/o ne good, u just dun no wat to do. iono...

on the other hand, i no i shuld try to b more positive n that no matter how hard things get that i shuldnt give up. i mean, college itself wasnt as scary as i had thot it wuld b. its just that it seems like all it has been is 1 rough patch after the other. n it just makes me wonder whether there will ever b a smooth patch.

iono...all i no is that i need 2 put up more positive posts n stop ranting on negative stuff. no1 said it was gonna b ez rite? just have to try harder...

a new chapter

it has finally happened.
ive officially moved into my dorm n will have to start getting used to living away frm home.
i admit that its hard. i felt homesick the min i had to bid farewell to my grandparents, parents, n my sister. even as im writing this, i cant help but tear up.

on the other hand tho, i still have abby, anh, n diem here w/ me. i no that i can count on them wenenver i need nething. they make me feel like im bak at home b/c w/o them, i feel alone n lost on this big, big campus. being able to eat dinner w/ them yesterday made me feel a lil more at ease being away frm home.

ill end this at here. a very short blog but wat can i say, it has been an emotional roller coaster for the past 24 hrs.

hiding

in hiding.
self-denial.
refusal to accept reality.
taking hit after hit.
a never-ending hope.

i really admire u for ur strength anh. ur much stronger than i am.

looking back

since its fri n i have no intentions of leaving the house today, i thot id write another blog. n i have a feeling that this is gonna b one looonnnggg blog. haha.
i guess ill write about stuff thats happened. graduation n summer.
hi skool graduation was not at all how i imagined it to b. i had always expected it 2 b exciting n full of overwhelming emotions, after all, its supposed to b a joyous event. however, wen it did come around tho, i didnt feel excited or overwhelmed w/ joyous emotions. there was just too much going on that i didnt have the energy to think about wat was going on. n so graduation passed by w/ a blur.
as for summer. well, all i can say is that it has been one heck of a summer.
at the beginning, all i wanted to do was keep myself busy. always longing for more hangouts w/ friends so i culd keep my mind off things. all the nites spent bowling, hanging out w/ the girls, attending bday events. wen im out w/ friends, things didnt seem to b that hard. however, once im at home, i felt dead cuz all i culd do was sit there n stare off into space. evryday i was just longing for nite to come b/c sleep was my only escape. i looked forward to sleeping n dreaded having to wake up. i wuld try to stay in bed as long as possible. my quietness made evry1 @ home alerted to my behavior. even my grandfather, who rarely talks to me regarding personal feelings came up to me one day n sat nxt to me n asked if i was ok, if nething was bothering me. all i culd do was shake my head. he then continued to talk but i cant remember wat he said nemore cuz all the while, i was concentrating on fighting back tears. n then there was the nite wen i had misplaced my necklace. i went into a frenzy trying to find it. looking thru evry corner of my rm. as i was looking for my necklace, all emotions came rushing at me at once. i looked like a person who was about to lose it cuz i was crying n turning my rm upside down trying to look for it. at one point, i just sat down n let myself cry. my mom came over n told me to just let it go. only then did i notice that she was crying too b/c it pained her to c me hurting this much. she kept on asking "y do u have 2 put urself thru all this? have u talked to him? is there really no way to turn things around? theres no use looking for the necklace now b/c the more u want it, the more its not gonna show itself. some things r like that, mayb its a sign that u shuld let it go. if its meant to b urs then its meant to b urs. if not then its not. just let things run its course." but i didnt want to listen to a thing she was saying. all i culd do was tell her in a frustrating tone "no, thats not the point mom. thats not the point. i just want my necklace back mom. i just want my necklace..." my sister found it the nxt day after she came back frm volunteering. apparently it got wrapped up w/ her clothes. i remember staring at the necklace in front of me dumbfounded w/ a smile that i culdnt hold back. i saw a wash of relief pass my mom b/c she hasnt seen me smile for a long while. frm that moment on, i promised myself that i wuldnt let her or ne1 else c me down. i didnt want them to have to wry about me nemore. cuz i new that thru all this, i wasnt the only one hurting. i had dragged my fam along, sumthing i had done w/o knowing b/c for a while, i didnt feel like talking, didnt feel like eating, just didnt feel like doing nething at all. for a while i culdnt even listen to music. basically, i was lost. i didnt no where to go nor did i no wat to do. so after all this happened, i decided to get away frm evrything by going sumwhere. wen i joked around w/ my dad saying that i wanted to go back to china, he immediately started to look for tickets to go back even tho we just went this past winter. i found out later frm my mom that it was b/c my dad thot watever it took to make me happy. n so we went on a tour to china. it turned out to b an amazing experience. the ppl in the tour were very nice n our whole grp always went into laughing fits. i also got to see the forbidden city, tiananmen square, the great wall of china, n many other places. so after such a great trip, i was feeling better and was ready to deal w/ getting ready for college wen i got back. ironically the first big news i came home to was sumthing i had wanted to get away from. i was stunned n i felt like i was back at square one again. it was hard to grasp wat had happened at first but after going thru sum thinking, i realized two things. i made a promise n besides, y culdnt i just embrace it like evry1 else? y cant we all just still b friends? n we can n friends it has been. the more friends the merrier rite?=] so ever since that, ive tried to cherish all the moments i got to spend w/ friends. starting w/ jins bday party, then onto my bday, pattys farewell dinner, annas potsticker day, n shopping n hanging out w/ the girls. just trying to enjoy the rest of my summer n cherish the remainder of time i have w/ friends n fam before another crazy yr of skool starts. looking back, so much has happened in a mere 3 months but i wanna thank each n evry1 of my friends n my fam for being there w/ me thru it all=] i love u guys n im looking forward 2 seeing evry1 this sunday <3

n i guess theres always one thing to keep in mind, no matter wat happens, just remember that life goes on=]

Connie

since today is my sister's bday, i thot id dedicate this blog to her.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONNIE!!
(i doubt she reads this but still. haha.)
wat can i say about my sister? ill start frm wen she was little. she was the most adorable baby ever. chubby cheeks n evrything. i'd always get jealous of how cute she looked wen she was little wen i look thru old pictures. i have to admit that i havent been the world's best older sister. i remember that my sister n i wuld always argue n we wuld disagree on practically evrything. basically, we always got on each others nerves. however, i've found that as both of us has grown older, arguments n raging fights have been replaced w/ pure laughter n sillyness. n its hard to think about how much closer we've grown wen ill b leaving for college in less than 2 wks. its true that its not like ill b leaving forever, but still, things will b diff. i can always find myself n b me wen im w/ her. she always makes me laugh b/c i do admit, we get pretty crazy once we start off a laughing fit. haha. ill miss that wen im @ davis. she is one extraordinary girl n i am honored to have her as my little sister. she always wants the best for me n has such a compassionate heart. ill miss her dearly while in college, but i no we'll always get thru watever cuz we'll always b sisters @ heart <3

liberation

as of now, all the ppl i no who r gonna b going to college in the east coast will have left ca. its sad to have to c one friend after the other leaving. the reality of summer coming to an end, our grp of friends being split to diff colleges, n the start of a new chapter in each of our lives is beginning to hit hard. i remember starting to get this sense the day we went to visit nancy @ her dorm in berkeley. seeing evrything, its like i suddenly realized that all this is real. we're all going to b living on our own, w/o parents, n evrything is really gonna b on us. wen summer really comes to an end, we're gonna b in college, each going on2 our separate ways. however, friends will always b at heart no matter wat the distance may b. this brings me to the second wash of liberation that took over me this summer. it happened on the nite of patricia's farewell dinner. we were all just talking about college n how it really is just gonna b us w/ no parents to nag us nemore. n it was hieu's example that got me. how parents wuld nag us about going out or hanging out late, sumtimes getting mad or angry w/ us. but as time goes on, they start to realize that we're able to take care of ourselves, that we're responsible. as i was looking out the window into the nite during the car ride back to abby's house, i was thinking 'this is real. this is really happening. we're on our own n we have to b responsible for ourselves now.' i think the realness of the feeling is also due to the fact that i just turned 18 like a day before n that number just has a certain effect. haha. neways, this is starting to drone on but i guess wat i really wanna say is...no matter where each of us is @, our friendships will always stay close at heart. n that altho summer is closing in, we all have christmas to look forward to=]

a failure

i thot this feeling wuld sumday go away. however, now i think i underestimated that. i no ive cried over it, n ive beaten myself over it, n now i shuldve been able to let it go n just accept the reality. but i guess ive only been hiding frm it. i never truly got over it. once the subject was brot up, my emotions r triggered. y am i so stupid? how come i didnt try harder? how come i cant b as smart as others? i feel like a failure. i feel like a disappointment. uc berkeley. a place that has so long been a goal but has now put me in doubt; a place that now sparks more questions about myself. did i really give it my all? did i wrk hard enuf? wat else culd i have done? apparently a lot. i didnt push myself hard enuf. i underestimated way too many things. i gave myself too much confidence that i was doing the rite things. hearing my mom talk to my sister tonite, the feeling of being a failure n disapppointment came back. my moms encouragement to my sister to get good grades so that she culd hopefully make it into berkeley. just the sound of the university thru that speech opened up that wound again. i thot i healed it, overcame it. but i was wrong. now ive realized that ever since i found out i didnt get accepted, ive been hiding frm the truth. newhere that i saw cal apparel, i quickly looked away. in the bak of my mind, i knew i was thinking that i culdve been one of those people donning that apparel. thru my mom's talk w/ my sister, i found out that even tho my dad hasnt said nething, he had really hoped that i culdve gotten into berkeley. i new that frm the start, but just hearing my mom say it made me feel even more of a disappointment. i got quiet n just went to my bed w/o a word. i no that my mom feels like i must b mad @ her n blaming her for wat she said. in truth tho, im actually mad at myself. its like i feel like i cant face any1 b/c of how things turned out. that in truth, im going to davis n not berkeley. that evry1 else is going to prestigious skools n im not n y that is. n there really is no1 else to blame but myself. even my mom said it. not word for word but i understood. at the beginning of hi skool, she had asked if there was nething i needed, if i needed ne help in nething n i had said no. so that was that xtra effort that i hadnt made on my part. i had thot too precariously on the whole college thing. now i no for sure...my parents may not b saying nething bad about davis nor blamed me for not getting into berkeley but in their hearts there will always b a letdown that i didnt make it into berkeley...as for me...i will also no that i didnt try hard enuf to make it into berkeley for my parents...the pride will never b there for me...

18

today marks the day of my 18th birthday.
18 sounds old, but i still feel like a kid. i wish time wuldnt pass by so fast...
this summer has been one of the most memorable ones ive had, but ill probably get into that through another blog.
for now, i just want to remember my birthday spent this year.
starting w/ the party at the emeryville park. there was a certain reason i chose to hold my party at that park. it wasnt just b/c of the view. it was more of the environment. the ocean was like a place for reflection. it wasnt meant to b crazy party. all i wanted was for evry1 to just relax, catch up, n have fun. n that was exactly wat happened. being nxt to the ocean n just being able to c evry1 made the day a perfect one. (minus the wind. im really sry to evry1 about the wind. i really didnt expect it to b that windy >< ) i mite have looked like i didnt do much but i was truly happy that day n i want to thank each n evry one of u who took the time out of their day to make it to my party=] i hope that evry1 enjoyed the park n the surroundings as much as i did.
as for today, my day at sf w/ the girls was great=] the cheesecake factory was good n evry1 was stuffed. the food was just too good. haha. n the cheesecake plate was just beautiful=] then shopped for a bit afterwards. tried to find a dress for patty's dinner tmrw but ran out of time=/ i guess ill figure that out tmrw...hopefully...haha. neways, i want to thank all of the girls for making it today. u guys made my day xtra special=] i love u guys<3